Steven has sparked this new thing in me. I really was burnt after Bryan, but now I'm not. I'm back to the old me. I am back to me. I am the hopeless romantic again. I smile everytime I think about Steven. And it drives me nuts, lol! I feel like I'm not supposed to be this way and that I'm not normal. I don't want to act like a little teenage girl thats running after her crush.
I see a future with him. I really do. But I want to make sure its a future God has planned, not the plan that I have cooked up in my head.
*sigh*
It is really hard now to think that I'm leaving home. First to Africa for a month and then to college (hopefully). I want to go. I'm so excited about the things God is doing for me. But a peice of me wants to stay. A peice of me wants to hang on to my mom, and to Steven. I don't want to leave Steven. I can tell it hurts him to think of me leaving. 4 months...thats all I really have. When we went on our "un-date" last night he mentioned me leaving. He asked what we were going to do when I leave. I didn't know what to say. I told him to graduate high school early and come with me. I know, thats not possible.
I want to be with him. But I don't want to blow it for the future. Rah. I wish I had the answers. I melt when he reaches down to hold my hand. I feel so pathetic.
He told me that when I go down to San Diego (for college), if I dated another guy he would be okay. At least he would act okay. I don't want a San Diego guy though. I want him. I want to make him happy. I love making him laugh. I love praying with him. I love giving him a hug when he needs it. I love supporting him and going to his choir concerts and plays. I want to be able to still go to those.
I'm falling so hard for him and the harder I try not to, the farther I fall for him.
I never imagined who would be waiting at the end of the isle for me. Now I see him. Its scary. We're not even a couple. He mentioned that my brother could be his future brother-in-law. Heh. Hmmm.
I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to get so attached so soon. I want to go slow. I want to do God's plan. I don't want to make him stumble. That is the last thing I would want to do. No, not even the last. I would never want to make him stumble. I want to lift him up. I want to be his strength. But what if I blow it.
I'm scared.
I'm confused.
I'm trying not to be in love.
~Megan~