Dearest Friend,
I know right now is a confusing time in our relationship. I wish with everything in me it didn't have to be this way and yet at the same time, I wouldn't take it back. I know God is using this time and will turn our relationship (however you would call it) into what He wants it to be. I am sorry if you regret certain steps we took. I really don't feel like anything I did was necessarily out of God's will. I do see how we could have handled things more wisely. No matter what though, we are what we are.
I have prayed and read and really chased after the Lord on the subject of a period of silence between us. For me, my motivations for doing it would not be right. It is harder for me to continue to talk to you as crazy as that may sound. I feel like it would be a dishonor to you to cut off communication as well. If you need the time though, I will give it to you.
When I have been praying, I keep asking God for wisdom and strength. I keep running into the same thing. The fear of God is wisdom. I'm trying to figure out how to fear God in our relationship. And right now, just loving you from Sacramento and supporting you however I can is doing that. For love is of God. And to fear him is to follow his commands and meditate on him day and night. I was talking to someone about this (don't worry, just a trustworthy person to get some wisdom) and they simply asked me one question. Is Steven hindering your relationship with God? I told them no. In fact, you are like iron for me and sharpen me. Seeing your passion and your desire for God, inspires me. And the reason for silence would be to seek out the face of God. Honestly, I don't need to stop talking to you for that to happen. If I am a distraction to you though and if I mud up your thoughts, please, take some time away from me.
I am sorry that I always seem to start conversations like this. I guess I just can't avoid the conflicts going on inside me. I want resolution and I fight for it. I know this topic really has no resolution right now but it seems like there could be at least a peice of it. You may feel that I am putting all my eggs in one basket or something like that. But in reality that is a saying that comes from our society not our faith. So, I guess you are right if you say that. I am. But I don't feel like it's a bad thing or a wrong thing. It's teaching me and testing my faith. Yes, I can get hurt. And yes, it hurts me now. I wish I could be with you and see your smile and it is painful to miss you. I know it is worth it though. Even if I wind up on the losing side later. Knowing you now and loving you as one of my closest friends now is worth it. Call me crazy and stupid.
And I'm sorry if you feel the only reason I am interested in you is because you treat me well. I honestly wouldn't endure this long for just a feeling. For something that makes me feel good. You are very special to me. You are a person that no matter what happens between us, I will continually thank God for. I want to support you and I'm willing to fight for you, as a friend and if God wills it, some day as more. And I pray that you feel the same.
I am not the best with words and sometimes writting helps. Right now so much is laying upon my heart that I don't think I could attempt to write anything that fully makes sense or that fully expresses what I mean and feel.
I love you and I pray God has his way in us. May he grant us peace and wisdom.
-Megan